The One I Have Lost
by assimilates
Summary: Angel's POV on Cordelia's death. [complete]


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The One I Have Lost

By: Camigwen

*Spoilers for AtS 5: "You're Welcome."

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To the one I have lost...

No. Scratch that.

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To the one we have lost...

No! That's not it either.

It was looking like this was going to be harder than I thought. All responsibility for this was put on my shoulders. Out of all the people I'd killed over the years, all the people I'd seen die, known have died, I've never had to speak at their funeral--or arrange the whole thing for that matter.

Cordelia was dead, and it was my responsibility to make sure the proper arrangements had been made. It would've been different if someone else had come to me and told me to do it, but it was my own choice to do this.

I feel responsible for her death. And in a way, I am. I was the one who put her into that coma in the first place--possessed or not, it was my doing. To top it off, I have the resources of Wolfram & Hart to use as I wish and I didn't once think to use them to wake her up.

She wouldn't wanted that... Dying like this didn't seem the right way for her to leave this world, but knowing Cordy, she wouldn't have wanted it any other way. No longer would she be remembered as the bitch of Sunnydale High, but as a champion who paid the ultimate price.

It's a selfish way of looking at things, but I realize that I'm destined to be alone. Destined to do this alone. "There are no other people like us," she had said. And she was right. Now that she was gone, there was just me.

Alone.

Darla sired me, made me what I am, but I didn't love her. I lusted for her, craving the power she held that I desired so deeply. A lust filled bond between sire and childe, that's what we had. Not love.

Only two women throughout my many years have earned my love. Both of them now lost to me forever.

I could never truly be with Buffy. When she and I were together, we desired something that would only bring destruction and chaos. I realized that and left Sunnydale before anything could happen. Buffy, however, held on to the dream of us together again for a long time. It wasn't until last year that she came to realize I wasn't the one for her. 

She may not have told me straight out, but I could see it in her eyes, see it in how upset and torn she was after Spike died in the Hellmouth. She loved him. And because of her dream of us together again, it'd taken her to long to realize that.

Now, if only Spike would get the courage to go see her, Buffy would finally be happy. She truly did love him, but I'll never tell him. It's for him to find out on his own when the time comes. It's not my place.

I will always love Buffy, but it can never be. She's Spike's. Not mine.

Cordelia is mine, and forever will be. She haunts my dreams, my memories, my every thought...but I won't object. It's all I have of her. And until my time comes, I'll never see her again.

Looking back on when I first met Cordelia in Sunnydale, I couldn't stand her. Her demeanor, how she dressed, the things she did just irritated me. There were, however, some moments that caught my attention, but I never looked to deeply into them. I was too infatuated and dedicated to Buffy to notice.

It wasn't until we met up again in LA, that I'd seen the changes in her. The loss of her family's wealth gave her a taste of reality and sent her crashing back down into it from the fantasy world of Queen C.

Her world changed from that moment on, and mine along with it. Doyle had a part in our finding each other. And even though he had feelings for Cordelia, I think in a way he somehow knew how things would turn out between us. If he hadn't given Cordelia the visions...

Those blasted visions. If she hadn't gotten them, she would never have died. True, she probably would've left Wesley and I to do the Investigation work become a great actress, but at least she'd be alive. She wouldn't have needed to become half-demon to retain the visions, wouldn't have to become a higher being only to have been possessed and put in a coma. Never died.

No, I shouldn't think like that. This is destiny, the way things are meant to be. There's nothing I can do to change that and even if there were, I wouldn't. She wouldn't have wanted me to.

I guess I should be grateful to the Powers That Be. They woke her up for a while and gave me one last chance with her. One last time to see her, hold her, kiss her...and I shall cherish those moments for the rest of my days. 

She gave up her life so I could keep mine. And I intend to live it out the way she would have wanted me to.

There was a sudden knock at my office door that snapped me out of my thoughts. I groaned, it was probably Harmony with some simple question--stuff I didn't have time for.

"Harmony," I said as I opened the door, "I thought I told you I wanted to be left...alone."

It wasn't Harmony.

Standing in the doorway with a tear-stained face and puffy eyes still fresh with tears was the one person I least expected to see.

Buffy.

Before I had the chance to say more, Buffy launched herself into my arms, wetting the front of my shirt with her tears.

"I'm so sorry," she said to me, then pulled away. She wiped away tears on her cheeks with the back of her hand and looked down at the ground. "I don't know what to say besides that. Cordelia and I never really got along, but I am sad that she's gone. She didn't deserve this."

"I know," I said, "but it's what's meant to be."

She looked up and met my gaze. I didn't have to say anything, she knew right away what was going through my mind when she looked into my eyes, reading me like a book. Just as I had known she loved Spike, she now knew I loved Cordelia.

More tears welled up in her eyes as she placed a comforting hand on my arm. "I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could... I'm sorry."

I nodded slowly, not knowing what to say.

Buffy removed her hand and motioned over her shoulder to the lobby where her sister, Xander, Willow, and Giles stood talking to Harmony. "I should get back to them. I'll be here if you need to talk."

"Thanks," I told her and she re-joined her friends.

Xander looked the most torn out of all of them. And, I couldn't help but feel more remorse for him than I felt for myself. He'd just lost Anya and now the first woman he ever loved was gone. This was going to be hard on him, but with Buffy and Willow at his side, he'd get through it.

It meant a lot to me that they'd come. They seemed to have flown out her right after the phone call.

It was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do--calling up Giles to tell him that Cordelia was dead. Not to mention her parents. 

I felt bad for leaving the message of their daughter's death with the receptionist at their hotel, but I couldn't get a hold of them otherwise. They'd called back awhile later, distraught with grief and anger, demanding to know how their daughter died. I left out most of the details and told them that she'd been in an accident and was in a coma for a while, and just passed on from there.

They were to arrive in LA a day before the funeral after they relayed the news to various friends and family.

Buffy, I assumed, was here for my benefit. Even though I know I won't make much contact with them, it felt...right just knowing they were here. The original Scooby Gang, back together.

That reminded me...

"Buffy." I stepped out of my office and walked up to her.

"Yeah?" She asked as she spun around on her heels, the rest of the group watching me intently from behind her.

I grasped her elbow and pulled her aside so I could talk to her in private. There was going to be some good to come out of this sadness, and I'll be damned if I was going to wait for Spike to grow some balls.

"Did Andrew talk to you?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yeah, he did."

"What did he tell you?"

Her eyes rolled some. "What I could make out of the sci-fi Andrew-speak, a whole bunch of fight, fight, argue, insane Slayer, blah, blah, blah. Why do ask?"

I sighed. "Buffy, this probably isn't my place. But..."

"But what?"

Looking to my watch, I realized it was now eight at night. Perfect, he would be here soon to bother me. As always. "Come with me," I said and proceeded to lead her to the elevator.

She followed, confused. "Angel, where are we--?"

"You'll see," was all I said as the elevator doors opened? We exited and as if on cue, Spike came waltzing threw the main doors.

He froze when he saw us--saw her, and Buffy looked about ready to faint.

In that moment, she forgot I was even there.

"Spike?" She asked softly, new tears forming in her eyes.

He nodded and looked away somewhat. "Yeah," his voice was soft, so unlike the Spike I knew, "it's me, luv."

"How--?" She began to ask, then shook her head. "You know what, I don't care."

Spike looked as if he had been stabbed, and I knew he was thinking she didn't care. That what she told him down in the Hellmouth had been false. He was wrong.

Almost at a run, Buffy moved to Spike and touched a hand to his cheek to see if he was real or not. She smiled and put both hands on his cheeks, sliding them down to rest on his shoulders.

"Buffy, I--" Spike began, but he didn't get a chance to finish.

Buffy kissed him and their passion re-ignited and he began to respond by kissing her back and wrapping his arms possessively around her.

She was his.

And now, it was my time to step out of the scene. I returned to the elevator and to my office, feeling a little better that I had done a good deed. Reunited my least favorite childe with my ex-girlfriend, but a good deed none the less.

I could almost see Cordelia's smile.

My Cordelia.

Turning to a clean sheet of paper, I began to write.

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To the one I have lost...

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FIN

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Angel the Series/Buffy the Vampire Slayer is © Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and 20th Century Fox.

2-5-04 


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